Making a mess

These are some words I found written by my younger self, as I delve into old letters and journals. What a trip. The dark, secret, places of our soul are so much better expiated.


“The presence of my exposed heart, bleeding, pumping blood on the furniture, raw; it scares you. I am messy. My emotions don’t come in pre-packaged labelled boxes. There is not a daily dose of me to be pressed out of a pill dispenser; I want to throw the pill dispenser up against the wall and watch the hundreds of tiny coloured pieces form rainbows and mess against the ground. I sometimes want to go into the bush and scream. I want to scream and cry and in my tears feel that I am loved. In my self-hatred and disgust feel that there is more. That I am more. I want to taste the black slime of my guilt and shame. Feel it rise in my throat like knives and run my tongue along its cutting forms. I want God to show me that in all His glory He can fill these deep gashes and gaping wounds with his Love. I want to take a walk with God over the undulating, rocky, and tumultuous terrain of my soul. We will wear no shoes and we will feel the ground beneath our feet. God will put Her hand on my shoulder and say “stop, here.” And together we will stop. Together we will look at the damaged, bloodstained wounded hole. I will cry, I will grieve for this injured part of myself. God will feel only love. Together we will fill up this hole, carefully pouring Love into it, “keep going”, until the once wounded becomes healed, the once broken is restored to its natural state; transformed. This is what I desire, to walk with God across my soul. No less.”

Part 2: Becoming a Foster Carer

The application process

This blog will detail more of what was involved in the practical side of becoming a foster carer, for anyone interested in going through the same process. The process of becoming a foster carer was also an emotional one, so I will describe some of my experiences as well.

To provide some context, foster care is providing care for children who cannot live with their primary carers for any number of reasons. At 30 June 2019, of the approximately 44,900 children in out-of-home care, 92% were in home-based care (in a foster or kinship care home), and 67% had been continuously in out-of-home care for 2 years or more. In 2018-19, 170,200 children in Australia received child protection services. 58% of these did not progress past the investigation stage into care and protection orders. 68% of children receiving child protection services in this period had previously been involved in the system. Emotional abuse was the most common type of abuse or neglect substantiated in this period (54%), followed by neglect (21%), physical abuse (15%), and sexual abuse (10%) (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, 2020).

My current feeling is that while its quite wonderful we have at least some systems in place in this country to protect children from harm, it is a system groaning dangerously under pressure.

As you would like to expect, the process from enquiry about foster caring to being fully qualified was pretty rigorous. In total the application took about 8 months. I think that as well as taking time to assess each individual applicant, this gives time to ascertain – both for the potential carer and the assessors – how sincere the desire is to follow through.

After expressing interest via an email, I received a call and a follow up home visit; just a kind of meet and greet. As I live in a smallish country town in rural Queensland, I happen to already know a few of the foster care support staff as they attend my yoga classes, and I have also worked for the organisation in a different capacity. So, it was all very informal. I got handed a stack of papers to go through, relating to the roles and responsibilities of foster caring, and given dates for the next round of mandatory introductory training.

The training was held over four full days, and was the beginning of sh*^ getting real. We were encouraged to spend a lot of time pondering our “why?” to foster caring (see previous post for my deliberations on this topic!) but then we took a sharp turn into trauma, and the ins and outs of the legal and systemic framework within which foster caring takes place in Queensland, Australia.

Topics covered included:

  • The types of abuse and harm that children are exposed to, and reasons children come into care
  • Stages of child development and how trauma impacts upon these
  • Theories of attachment, attachment styles, and trauma-based attachment styles and responses
  • How to respond to a child’s disclosure of abuse and harm
  • How to support children with challenging trauma-based behaviours
  • Legal requirements of foster carers and kinship carers
  • Principles and values underpinning the foster care and kinship care system

Two major ethical concerns had presented themselves to me by this point.

  1. The current major goal of the foster and kinship system is reunification – that is, the child/ren are returned to their family of origin from where they were removed. Failing that, ideally children are kept with extended family. Reunification involves maintaining contact with family, attending access visits, and allowing parents these visitation rights while they hopefully get the help they need to heal and change. In this place, children are required to have contact with their parents, even though the parent may have been very abusive, including sexually abusive. I don’t feel it is right or loving to expose a child to someone who has harmed them, before true awareness and healing has occurred for the caregivers. The family seems to be honoured above the quality of other potential relationships, and this troubles me (another blog post all in itself!)
  2. I am vegan, and it was brought to my attention that this might be an issue for families who expect their children to eat a meat diet while in care, or that the children themselves might demand this. My feeling is that a meat diet is detrimental to humans and the planet, and I could not ethically contribute to this damage any more.
My little friend and nephew Jack, so tiny in a big world

By the end of day four, my habit of comparison and self-judgment was kicking in, and I found myself really wondering how a single, childless woman could have what it takes to provide this kind of care. Everyone else seemed to be coupled, or at least having raised their own children, and I was having that familiar gnawing feeling of being less than, or of having no business here. I cried and said I don’t know if I can do this. The facilitator hugged me and I felt embarrassed for having exposed these feelings publicly. But in hindsight this was important part of my deciding to just be as honest as possible throughout the rest of the process – it felt like a relief to speak the truth of how I felt.

The next step was responding to many, many self-reflective questions in written format. The pace here was self-directed. I admit this took a couple of months at least. After hitting up against some feelings and resistance I didn’t want to initially feel, my desire had waned (see previous blog post). However, the questions allowed for a large amount of honesty and transparency, and I was attracted to that. And once I started, I just wrote and wrote for hours. All about my childhood experiences, the major traumatic events in my life, and the quality of my current and past family relationships, and my current lifestyle and support networks. I handed it in with that nice feeling you get when you’re transparent, but also sure that this would be a “red flag” application!

Soon after, however, I received a phone call thanking me for my honest reflections, and to let me know the formal assessment process would be starting soon. I was assigned an assessor, and then began a series of home visits – perhaps four or five – anywhere from 1-3 hours each, over the next couple of months. Basically, I saw these sessions as being a recounting of my life story, full of snot and tissues, with some valid insights and counselling given by my assessor. She wanted to know everything, and I tried to be as much of an open book as possible. I didn’t feel invested in portraying a façade of myself here; I didn’t feel invested in looking good or being the perfect foster parent, because I really felt at this point like I wouldn’t be that great at it, or if it would even happen. There were many things I shared again that I thought for sure would be “red flags” this time, like my poor/limited relationships with family, my past partner relationship patterns, my history of desperation for love and approval, previous drug use, the fact I listen to Divine Truth and believe Jesus and Mary Magdalene are back on the planet… but my assessor literally never skipped a beat.

Once again, I feel this is a testament to honesty. I’ve done a lot to manipulate the truth over the course of my life as I’ve believed it would help me to avoid pain and achieve a better outcome. But whenever I have decided to be more open and transparent and blunt, I allow myself to be known, my relationships deepen, and better things happen in my life in the long run.

On top of the personal reflections and interviews, the assessor ensures you are able to provide a physically safe and nurturing environment for a child. This is really important for me. Having studied early childhood education I have a real interest in creating environments that feel safe and inviting for children. It was an ultimate trip-out to begin converting my house into a home for children, having lived solo for so long, and having become quite selfish in my use of space. However, I loved the process too; it was exciting and rewarding to buy things for others and not just think of myself, and mind-boggling to realise how much stuff you need when you don’t know what age children you will care for! Very different to having a baby and altering the environment to accommodate them over time. I now have a garage full of prams and potties and beds of different shapes and sizes…

All that said, ultimately the most important ingredient in any environment for a child is Love.  

My application was approved in June 2020. And then the real stuff begins….

In the next blog I hope to share how beautiful and awfully hard I found the first few placements of children in my home.


Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (2020) Child Protection Australia 2018-19,, retrieved on 12/01/21

Part 1: Becoming a Foster Carer

Post written on May 27 2020, posting retrospectively

Part 1: “Why?”

There has been something going on in the background of my life. Something I hadn’t really talked about with many people. Something I have been quietly taking steps towards while not feeling fully assured of where it was leading. I decided last year to begin to take concrete action towards becoming a foster carer, thinking maybe someday way off in the future that might become a reality…and now the reality is upon my doorstep…. and it seems…. $*^& is getting real!

I thought it would be interesting to document how this desire has taken form, the physical steps and processes to undertake in my local area which probably applies to many Australian regions, and the emotions and beliefs I continue to uncover in myself that require examination and releasing if I am to move forward. My thinking is that this may be useful for anyone with a similar desire who wants to embark on the road to foster caring.

Photo by Pixabay on

The “Why”

I have been asked numerous times about my “why” as I have had interview after interview with my foster care assessor. To be honest when I realised my initial “why” was insincere, I lost sight of the desire all together half way through the process. My initial “why do you want to be a foster carer?” went something like this:

‘I want to serve the most vulnerable members of my community’

But hold your horses and the shining armour, …I began to realise emotionally a few months ago that my attitude towards service contains many corruptions; a house built on sand. How can this be? I’ve always engaged in service “roles” – nursing, teaching, disability support etc. Isn’t that a display of a true desire to serve? Well… not necessarily. It all depends on the intention and motivation behind the actions.

I was a pretty unhappy young person. It didn’t take much scratching of the surface of my façade to find that I was quite deeply miserable in my life throughout my teens and early twenties. I felt constantly lonely, lost and insecure with my place in the world. I was going to greater and greater lengths to push down the growing pile of pain inside my soul that I wanted to desperately avoid. At age 21 I was in a façade-based and destructive relationship and studying a random degree that I was not much interested in. I had no sense of self or what my own heart’s desires might be.

I remember vividly waking up one morning with a decision propelling me upright: “I’m going to be a nurse!” A nurse? This was a new and unexpected turn of events. What I was not conscious of at the time, was that this decision was being driven to a certain extent by the desperate drive to feel loved, needed, wanted. To avoid feeling unloved. Think of the approval nurses get for dedicating their life to serve others, the value that is attributed to them by society. People love nurses. I wanted in on that.

I’m not saying that every ounce of my desire was impure. I think my soul is attracted to people and children in a real and true way (I was a paediatric nurse mostly), but there is a lot of unravelling of this less pretty stuff to do along the way back to discovering that true nature.

So fast forward 10 or so years and my life has been a patchwork quilt of different service type roles and studies, jobs and courses. With the help of friends who have been willing to be truthful with me along the way, I have begun to see that there is a real and tangible difference between doing something from a pure place of service and doing something to get a feeling back. I think from observation of others that pure service is the desire to give gifts (of time, resources, energy) without any expectation of receiving something (time, resources, energy) in return. When I have engaged in activities with the hope (demand) of getting some approval (“love”) type feeling back, I have simply been attempting to engage a bartering system. Under these conditions, if you don’t get the feeling you demand back, you’re unlikely to want to continue to give the gift or service, or you might get cranky about giving it.

So, a few months ago I started to see the truth of this, and feel some feelings about this. The feelings I encountered included:

  • Feeling PISSED that doing service MY way wasn’t working. As in, I wasn’t actually getting loved or getting the outcome I wanted, anyway. I felt ANGRY about that but I didn’t want to give up trying. I felt ANGRY that it seemed to work for other, “more loveable” people.
  • Feeling a total BOMB of my desire to continue with the courses I was currently studying (body psychotherapy and social work masters) and dropping them.
  • Feeling a growing desire to learn about hard work, and a curiosity about true service.
  • Experiencing an abundance of opportunities to apply myself in different ways, unrelated to my classical view of “service” as a helping role. These roles include work as a cleaner, yard work, voluntary gardening for a friend, volunteering at a vegan café.
  • An impending sense of doom about this new (and yet enjoyable) direction my life is taking, and how it does not provide me with the sense of being a good and loveable person (by my definition) in the world’s eyes.

In the background of all this has been my foster care application, progressively moving forward at an uncomfortable pace. I started with a “why” and lost it half way through. On the last day of the initial 4-day training I cried and said to the trainer “I don’t think I’m cut out for this”. I felt overwhelmed with just the thought of the responsibility of caring for a wee traumatized soul. I saw a glimpse of what was required and felt myself to come up severely lacking.  

Photo by Pixabay on

I nearly chose not to hand in the essential self-assessment paperwork that would lead to the next phase of intake.

But there was something inside that whispered that if nothing else, going through the entirety of the assessment process would be a valuable, insightful, and perhaps even healing experience.

And it has been…

My “why” is still under the white sheet being deconstructed and reconstructed. It will probably undergo this process multiple times throughout the duration…perhaps it will be something that evolves as I evolve. I think perhaps the most important thing is honesty. Be honest about your intentions and motivations. When we’re truthful, as bad as it can feel at the time, it gives us something to work with. I can see that my desire to feel like a good enough person and avoid my pain has played a role in my initial decision to be a foster carer, and I know that motivation will not stand the test of time. But instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, which I’ve been inclined to do in the past when I’ve discovered things about myself, I’m going to keep moving forward and let God work with me to purify my desires. I’m going to stay with myself, in this messy, imperfect moment, because something deeper is calling me on.

One thing I’ve realized recently is that I’ve finally created a home. I’ve been searching for home for as long as I can remember; in people, places, lifestyles. But it crept up on me. The people and the place are an integral part of it, but it’s something deeper… This feeling of belonging, of having a place in the world. That’s what has changed, and I feel there is a link between this and my ‘why’ to fostering. It may not be quite what I was expecting, but I have a home. And there’s some love in it. And I want to learn how to share it.

Right now, I’m scared as hell about the next steps, but I feel more solid in my decision.

I feel something really deep inside when I watch things like these following videos. You might find them moving too. 

Removed: A short 12 minute movie about the experience of a child in foster care

The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez: streamed on Netflix, an intense and horrifying account of one child slipping through the cracks of the child protection system

In part 2 I will discuss in more detail the nuts and bolts of the assessment process, and some more of the emotions that I have been confronted with inside of myself.

Facing the facts about fast fashion

A couple of days ago I held a community clothes swap in the garden of my friend Monique’s cafe, in Kingaroy. A clothing swap is one small way we can slow down the fast fashion industry and extend the life of our clothes by gifting them to new owners who have the opportunity to love and care for them afresh.20191205_110152.jpg


The clothing swap was a really lovely event – clothes were all gifted free of charge or bartering conditions

But what is the fast fashion industry? You have probably noticed it’s possible to buy t-shirts for $4, or jeans for $20 from certain stores. Maybe you have noticed that fashion trends don’t just shift seasonally, but now almost weekly stores are coming out with new trends and items, of which the quality is often poor as clothing are more and more made to be disposable items.

150 billion new garments are produced yearly in the fast fashion industry. 30% of it is never sold, and is instead often incinerated or dumped as overproduced stock. A further 30% is only sold at a discounted price. Of the clothing that makes it to our wardrobes, a large proportion have a lifetime on average of less than 3 years – due to the poor quality and also our attitudes of wanting new things.

When clothing feels this accessible, it seems to create the illusion of abundance – we can feel wealthy and powerful. But what we are not seeing is the true cost of such clothing and our attitudes that create this system.

photo of discount sign
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on

When I was a child, I was taught there was a link between my appearance or how I presented myself, how others perceived me, and my worth or loveable-ness. I lacked healthy role models and so chose to look to teen magazines to define myself. I always felt myself to be severely lacking in comparison to the happy beautiful people in those pages. And I readily took on the messages “if I just had this clothing or that body or that boyfriend (and I’d only get the boyfriend if I had the body and the clothing)”, I’d get the kind of happiness I was desperately seeking. I felt compelled to compare myself to others, to find ways to make myself feel better. I lacked a sense of the intrinsic value and worth of developing more meaningful human qualities, below the surface deep exterior.

My early social activities involved “going shopping” with friends. We’d make a day of it, go shop to shop, buying cheap clothing we didn’t need. There was the rush of buying the new outfit with the promise that this is how I’ll be beautiful or liked or sexy or cool. It only ever masked the deeper painful feelings for a short while. I can still remember the awful feeling of staring at myself with bloodshot eyes in the fluorescent lit change room mirrors, wishing to be anyone else.

While I’ve since fluctuated between fast fashion fixes, op-shop sprees, and making my own clothes, I have spent most of my life seeking to define myself through how others perceive me. I’ve used clothing to try to belong, to blend in, to stand out, to be cool, to be worldly, to be liked, to be sexually validated, to compete for a man’s attention. Without much of a sense of who I was behind all that. I feel that when used this way, clothing ourselves could be symbolic of a deeper problem – the problem of presenting a façade to the world to cover over what is really going on inside of us and the yukky feelings we have. It can also be a wonderful and creative form of self-expression! But I’m learning we need to be honest with ourselves about our feelings.

And so, I’ve been wondering whether one of the major reasons the fast fashion industry came into existence is because of the desire to remain in denial of these issues on a large scale – of wanting to hold onto façade and falsity. Coupled with the widespread attitude of entitlement we see – I want what I want, when I want it – and the belief that we have unlimited resources to get anything we possibly can to feel “pleasure” (or avoidance of pain).

I want to introduce the 3 of the areas where there are issues of love, or a lack of love, which I feel contribute to the state of the fashion industry

Love of the environment

When we are single-focused on getting what we want, we sacrifice love and care for our environment.

There are so many environmental consequences of our unloving attitudes towards fashion consumption, I can’t possibly mention them all.

The fashion industry is in fact the second largest polluter in the world after the oil industry. In China, they say you can tell the popular colours of that season by the colour of the rivers. Waterways are filled with toxic poisons from dyeing and tanning processes, which infiltrate and harm the soil, the aquatic life, and the people who depend on such water for growing crops, for drinking, and for bathing with. The ripple effects of this are vast.


Toxic dyes fill waterways where people live

Just the very quantities of environmental resources required to produce an item of clothing is mindboggling. To give an example: 1 pair of jeans uses 3,625L water (which is enough for 1 person to survive on for 2.5 years), 3kg toxic chemicals, 400 mega joules energy, and 13 meters squared harvested land. Globally we produce about 6 billion pairs of jeans per year!

Then there is the most common end of the line for our clothes; landfill. Australians dump 6000kg of fashion and textile waste every 10 minutes! Much of our clothing these days is made from non-biodegradable plastic-based materials derived from oil that will not break down for hundreds or thousands of years.

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These plastic-based materials such as polyester, acrylic and nylon also shed fibres as they go through the washing machine cycle. The laundering of one single polyester garment is estimated to release 1,900 individual plastic fibers; recent studies have found these fibers to be in 83% of the world’s drinking water. The Story of Microfibers – infographic video

Love of others

Once again, when we are single focused on getting what we want, we turn a blind eye to how others are harmed by our desires.

The garment manufacturing industry now comprises 1/6th of the world’s population of our brothers and sisters, mostly sisters, of whom 98% are not paid a living wage. In fact, only 4% of what Australian’s spend on clothes actually goes to the workers and talented tailors and seamstresses who make our garments. This keeps people trapped below the poverty line. When costs are cut in our pursuit of cheaper and cheaper clothing, this is where the margins are squeezed most. Many of these people live in fear of losing their job as there are often limited alternatives, and so are forced to endure horrible conditions; no ventilation, dangerous buildings, no sick leave, unpaid overtime, scarce toilet breaks, child labour… the list goes on.


This garment factory in China looks a lot like a human factory farm


Over 1300 workers were killed when this garment factory,  the Rana Plaza, collapsed in 2013 in Bangladesh

There are also vastly damaging effects to people caused through exposure to toxic pesticides in the growing phase of garment production, particularly in the cotton industry which is the most chemically intensive crop to grow (accounting for 25% of worldwide insecticide use). Farmers and communities surrounding these farms have incredibly high incidence of cancers and other diseases.

Similarly, people are working with and being exposed to toxic chemicals through the dying of textiles and tanning leather. The amount of clean water available to drink is severely limited in many of these areas.bangladeshic.jpg

The ripple effects, once again, are massive!


Love of self

I don’t always know this in my heart, but I get glimpses that it could be true. I think that a real love of oneself will involve wanting to face and take responsibility for the true feelings we have inside ourselves that contribute to the widespread destruction that is happening around us. We’d allow ourselves the time and space to acknowledge, be truthful, and feel through the yukky feelings that we are trying to avoid through the next ‘quick fix’, the buying frenzy, through making things ‘pretty’ on the outside, while covering over what’s on the inside. I think that maybe by going through this process we would learn how to really love and care for others and the environment in a real and effective way, too.


I’ve discovered the joys of sewing out of vintage bedsheets, and also finding my style.

Another aspect of loving ourselves is actually getting to know yourself! Getting to know your personality and nature, style and taste, and what colours and shapes look good on your body and skin tone. When we don’t want to know ourselves, we’re more likely to be at the whim of influence of all kinds, fashion and marketing included – in my experience.






So, what are some helpful actions we can all engage?

  • Education – if we don’t want to know about the problem, we won’t ever desire to change it. We can educate ourselves through the abundant resources available about the truth of the effects of our desires and the state of the planet. See resources list at the end.


  • “The most ethical piece of clothing is the piece you already own” – keep the clothing we already own in use longer – learn how to make simple repairs, upcycle into something new, swap/gift to friends, learn how to make your own clothes or support local people who do.


  • Where possible shop ethically – do the research on fashion labels. From the way materials are grown, how garments are designed, right through the manufacturing process and even into the packaging and postage options, companies are able to engage more ethical processes. If it’s hard to find information about a company’s supply chain, they are not being transparent and may be hiding something you might not want to support. It’s more expensive to buy ethically made clothing, but they will last longer!


  • Before dumping a big load of clothes to the local op shop, make sure all clothes are in good condition – something you would give to a close friend. Last year Australian op shops spent 13 million dollars dumping excess clothing and textiles to landfill – money that could have been spent on their charitable projects. For myself, I know that I still have the attitude of wanting someone else to “deal with my crap”, rather than be fully responsible, when I take things to op shops (and in general) much of the time.


  • There are many interesting helpful ideas popping up around the world! Bio-clothing grown from fungi or bacteria; circular retailers who take back your clothing purchased from them at the end of use and reuse the fibres; repair kits sold with clothing.
photo of woman near clothes
Choose second hand as a great option!

I don’t believe anything is going to change for the long term in our planet’s majorly destructive industries such as the fashion industry without people really desiring to take responsibility on a deeply personal and emotional level. I feel we need to acknowledge what it is within us that causes us to continue to want to benefit from things that involve others being exploited, or to remain in denial of the truth about these things. I still have a long way to go on these issues personally, but educating myself and beginning the journey of self reflection on my involvement in this industry has been an interesting start.


Additional Resources:


 River Blue (How is fast fashion affecting the world’s waterways?)

The True Cost (A look inside the fast fashion industry – good overview)

The New Black (grow your own sustainable clothes? and other interesting ideas)

Earthlings (Human treatment of animals – including a section on the fashion industry)



Good on You – helps you to locate ethical clothing brands

Shop Ethical

Ethical Clothing Australia

Greenpeace: Detox Campaign



I really love to create things. Well, I love thinking about creating things more than actually creating things at times. But man, it feels good when I follow through on projects and actually see my ideas come to fruition.

Something I’ve discovered I’m passionate about is visually representing stories, concepts or truths. I’ve been doing this using stop motion animation software on my phone, and creating images by painting or drawing and using these images to tell a story. It’s really fun!

I posted an animation about my miscarriage in a previous blog, and I’d like to share another one today, about the creation of the soul. It’s a potentially clumsy representation of some awe-inspiring truths about how I have heard God created us to be and the laws that govern us, and the universe we live in.

I don’t claim to really totally understand in my heart the principles I describe, so I’m open to there being mistakes that may need to be corrected. I gathered this information from the teachers of Divine Truth, who are passionate about educating humanity about God’s Truth on all topics. For now, it is fun to have a go and hopefully share some truthful information with whoever might be interested, in a visual way.

The Creation of the Soul – a Brief Animation


I’d love to hear your suggestions on potential future animation topics!

Bye for now,


My trouble with Truth


I am learning more and more about my fraught relationship with truth.

What even is truth? Isn’t it something that is unique and personal to each individual? Something that is dependent upon what a person believes to be real and true? Isn’t it something we can construct to make meaning for ourselves? To make sense of our current reality?

No, the truth is far simpler than that.

Underpinning the very workings of the entire universe lies the principle of Truth, and without this truth, love is not possible. Whoa.

I’ve heard it described as Truth and Love being like the foundations upon which the universe was built. What does this mean? Well I think it means that there is in fact an ultimate Truth that exists, in relation to every matter conceivable. Another way of referring to this Truth is to see it as God’s Truth, as God created the universe and all the potentialities therein.

I know the concept of Ultimate Truth can sound religious,  but in fact I’ve heard that God’s Truth is infinite, there’s no way it can be contained in one book or how ever else it might be construed by religions. In fact it is always logical, always scientifically provable, always mathematical in nature, and always based on reality (see video link at the end).

“Love cannot exist without Truth, and Truth cannot exist without Love.

Truth forms the framework in which Love can exist”

-AJ Miller/Jesus

So, this means that every question has an ultimate answer, irrespective of your personal view. Within every argument lies the whole truth of the matter, regardless of opinion. Regardless if anyone wants to know that truth or not, it remains there, awaiting discovery by anyone who seeks it.

It is the truth that scientists are trying to discover by measuring physical phenomena, but also existing must be the truth about questions such as what is love? What is ethical and moral in this situation? What happens when we die? and anything else you can think of. If there is only one truth in relation to, for example, the law of gravity (i.e. that there are definite and provable circumstances under which gravity exists and its resulting effects upon matter), and this becomes steadfast enough for us to base our very existence upon, why would it be different for the truth about ‘what would love do in any given situation?’ ‘What is ethical?’ ‘What are the harmful effects of a particular hurtful action on another person?’ ‘What happens when we go to sleep?’ Why would some matters have scientifically provable answers while others are left up to the individual to formulate their own ‘truth’ about? This would seem inconsistent and makes the universe feel less safe somehow.


I can be as prickly as this prickly pear cactus when I receive truth about myself!

I love the idea of this. I love the stability this knowledge of an existence based in ultimate truth provides. It means we are able to exist in a universe which provides consistency. It means we can get out of bed every morning trusting that gravity will keep our feet on the earth, trusting that the sun will rise to warm our bones and grow our food. For these are facts, and fact = truth.

But things get a little shiftier when we start to enter the more personal domain of truth (oh boy, for me it does anyway). But why would it be any different in this realm? The physical world around us, including the human physical body, is scientifically measurable, and becoming more and more so as tools are advancing; and the more we know, the more safety and security we are provided with and the more potentials that exist. Why would it be any different in the realm of the human psyche and emotional experience, as these also exist within this measurable universe?

I can theoretically see that there does seem to exist a framework in which I am a part, for measuring the truth about myself, beyond the physical body. I have noticed in myself that I have a conscience** which seems to help me to measure right from wrong, for example. And if there is such a thing as right and wrong, then where did that even come from? If there was no truth, no ultimate yard stick from which to measure the nature of our reality then right and wrong would not exist. And we know it does, we seem to be hardwired to know that…regardless of how detuned we may become to it over our lives, or how we tell ourselves otherwise.

And yet…

I still feel extremely confronted by learning certain truths about myself, and allowing others to see these things too.

And this is where my relationship with Truth is at; I have a fascination about it, an appreciation of honesty in other people, an attraction towards people who are real and raw and transparent … and yet a resistance towards really loving it on a personal level. Being real and raw and transparent in my daily life and relationships in all areas and in real time. I still value the façade more.


I’ve heard that the reasons why people might face this issue can be varied. For me I’m beginning to see with some help from people I trust that I have a strong faith that embracing the truth about myself and being transparent with others will lead to some kind of decimation of my entire life; that my life will be badly harmed by this. I have really spent my life quite desperately seeking approval in various ways, through engaging in a bartering system for “love”. I’ve tried to get my sense of value and worth through getting noticed by men and competing with women (usually so as to get noticed). But I have not wanted to really know these things about myself, as I have believed them to be like my only lifelines to having any “good feelings” coming my way. I am so invested in my current ways of getting approved of and this being love, that any time this is pointed out to me I retract, get angry and defensive, and often outright reject the truth being presented. I feel attacked, pulled down, and less-than. I don’t want the truth.

“When I resist seeing the truth about myself,

real and lasting change remains an impossibility”

– Mary Luck/Magdalene

Why? Why do I have such corrupted faith which screams at me that truth is hopeless, when I see examples around me to the contrary that inspire me? There is something deeper going on, something that keeps me locked into this long-standing pattern.

I currently have total faith in this: that if I am myself, I will never be loved.

Being myself involves being all of myself, accepting and sharing all of me, warts and all. Yet I have had my heart firmly set that to do this, would mean an annihilation of any love in my life. For who would love me, if they really knew…?


All of these beliefs were set up in my childhood:

  • I developed strategies of “getting loved” (earning approval) which involved a compromise of being my real self, in favour of what was being expected of me,
  • this then created a deep hopelessness that if I don’t do these things, I will never get the love I need to survive.

So, the façade (a series of lies presented to the world and to myself, about myself) began to be constructed.

“My façade entails anything I think, do or feel

that keeps me away from awareness of, sensitivity to, and feeling of my real feelings.”

-Mary Luck/Magdelene

And now here I am as an adult, perpetuating this system. Still trying to get the love the only way I believe works. Trying to protect myself from having to feel the original pain driving all these actions, the pain around not being loveable for who I truthfully am.

Logically I can see with my head when its laid out like this, and with the help of people who are willing to be truthful with me in my life, that avoiding pain = creates more pain. I just don’t have faith in the alternative yet.

I want to grow my desire to challenge this, and perhaps experiment with a different hypothesis. Perhaps a hypothesis based on this:

“Every time I accept one of God’s Truths, I will always feel less pain.

After a while you can come to trust that.”

-AJ Miller/Jesus

That sounds so good and right, and I know that when I have been truthful in the past, it feels relieving and like fear dissolves. I need to grow my faith in this process.

I’ve heard that everything each of our human souls think, says, feels, does, believes, intends to do, desires, aspires to etc. is energetically and mathematically measurable. And I’ve heard that the reason it is measurable is because there exists this underlying foundation of truth and love as primary principles of all existence (see links at the end for a proper explanation and not my clumsy one). Nothing is lost in this universe. So, if this is the case, I imagine it would feel relieving to stop fighting the entire workings of life (sheesh how exhausting) and begin to embrace God’s Truths about myself and my relationships completely, not just little bits here and there which are seemingly easier to digest.

*Note. There is a difference between God’s Truth and my, Phoebe’s truth. Phoebe’s truth might currently go something like this:

“It’s not really that bad that I withhold myself and don’t always share the truth. Sometimes it’s reasonable to do this. It’s justifiable to recoil when people point out my façade. Feeling my childhood pain seems like an almighty great uncomfortable task, with no assured outcome. Its reasonable that I hold onto it and continue to try and do things the way the world tells me I should.”

But when I feel about it, and ask for it, God’s Truth – the ACTUAL truth –  is something entirely different. I think it’s possible that it goes something like this:

“It is always the loving thing to do to live from a place of sharing myself transparently. Whenever I don’t, I am choosing to honour fear, and fear causes harm to myself and my environment. If someone helps me to see my façade, they have given me a gift. Unless I actually choose to embrace the truth and feel the pain that is already inside me, I will continue to create more pain, and more pain.” (Obviously I don’t have this truth written on my heart yet, so to speak, so I’m hypothesizing about what the truth is at this point.)

While we only seek our own truths on matters, we are literally the blind leading the blind, stumbling in the dark. I’ve heard that growing closer and closer to feeling the same way God feels about all topics (i.e. seeking for the ultimate truth) will be a very joyful and fearless place to be. But this involves being willing to release all my false truths which cause me pain.


Small me, learning how to be in the world. I still sleep with the blue ted on the left!

How cool are these words from a spirit friend, Sonya, who is passionate about living in truth:

“Truth is such a wonderful thing…

A wonderful thing!

When one engages with even the scary truths – things they’ve felt are scary –

There comes a liberty that many have never experienced.”



I am feeling so grateful for some advice and feedback received from trustworthy friends Jesus, Mary, Eloisa and Tristan at the recent God’s Way volunteer selection project, despite at times reacting and responding in a prickly and non-humble way. This has helped me to see exactly the beliefs I have which are holding me back from doing what I want to do and being who I can only imagine I might be. (I have an inkling I might be an extroverted, outrageously quirky, truth-crusader…but here’s to finding out 😉 )

More coming soon about my experiments with truth…


“Truth is such an essential part of who we are and how we grow.

It has expanding gifts as it ripples out from any one person

Who speaks it, or knows it, or gives it.”



More small me. Always picking flowers and playing in the garden.

Love and Truth Principles – Divine Truth video

What is Divine Truth?

** Forgiveness and Repentance – The human conscience

Miscarriage Project – an update

Hey everyone,

Just a quick blog to check in, and also to share an update of a project I have been working on.

maze2-269x300A year or so ago I wrote a blog about my miscarriage, and what I had learned so far through the experience. It has remained an issue close to my heart, as my exploration of the topic has continued. Grieving a miscarriage, as I am discovering, is not as simple as grieving a singular event – there are emotional tendrils connecting this loss to so many other areas of my life, past and present. When I open my heart up to feel about one aspect, the enormity of the issue can quickly become overwhelming, and often I retreat in fear. All these years later, it is still often at the forefront of my mind. I feel like perhaps I’m being shown that it’s kind of like a ‘cornerstone’ piece to my growth puzzle; that if I continue to engage emotionally with what needs to be felt as it arises, I will be lead all the way back to where it began, and shown what else needs to be healed along the way (a lot).

So when I had to choose a topic for an assignment to complete during the Divine Truth and God’s Way volunteer selection program in 2017, guess what came to mind first? You got it. I tried to fight with it; “no, there has to be something better than that”… “I don’t know where to begin with that”… “Seriously though, anything but that”… Eventually the fight was in vain and I began my study of the global issue of miscarriage, and the welfare of the unborn child in general.

The title of the project we were given was ‘Benefiting the World’.

I’d like to share with you the assignment brief, as it is possibly the most inspiring and relevant instructions for an assignment I have ever been given, in my countless years of study.


“Participants are to individually design and begin to implement a project which aims to resolve causes, or educate others about the causes, of a global problem.

This assignment is designed to encourage participants to think of ways to practically apply principles of God’s Love and Truth to global issues. For the project participants can create new systems, refine existing systems and/or deal with issues and problems that affect worldwide communities and the environment. Participants are asked to focus on the causes rather than the effects of a global problem. Participants will research and choose a subject they feel passionate about and come up with ideas in harmony with God’s Way to change, improve or provide a solution to the problem. Participants will create a project based on their ideas.”


We were required to develop a written submission composed of our action plan, and also give a 15 minute presentation to the group. Once I settled on the topic I wished to investigate, I felt really inspired. My initial project ideas spanned the vast reaches between tiny, short term goals of sharing my personal experience via a website, to huge long term and systemic change in parent education, sex education and the adoption and foster care systems. It became clear to me there was an important connection between miscarriage, abortion and other issues affecting unborn children such as disability and disease. When you start looking at addressing causes, things get seriously mega-sized, and fast!

I began to see that there has to be a way of gathering scientifically valid evidence for the true causes of all phenomena that occurs. Everything is measurable; it’s just about finding or creating the tools to measure it. Miscarriage is a phenomena I have experienced personally, and armed with that as well as some really useful information which has helped me to see and feel the truth about my experience, I think I have a pretty solid hypothesis to test.

My hypothesis is this: miscarriage is not arbitrary, but rather occurs as a result of emotions and emotional beliefs inside of the parents, projected at the child intentionally or unintentionally, which cause the child to pass prematurely.

I want to understand the wider experience of miscarriage. I want to see if any patterns emerge through examining other people’s experiences. I want to collect stories to begin to understand more about the soul and how it effects its environment. I want to share my story from a place of imperfection, humility and open-heartedness in the hope it might help others to reflect on their own internal belief systems surrounding their lost child. I’m not really sure yet how to accurately measure things pertaining to the soul and emotion. But I’m interested to learn.

So here is my beginning. I’ve created a website as a starting point for my rather large vision for protecting the welfare of unborn children.

It is currently a platform for both sharing useful information, collating current available research on the topic, sharing my experience, and hopefully gathering data from others.

Here is a short animated video I made about my miscarriage, as presented on the website:


One of my main aims is to research miscarriage, and learn more about how to study the soul. I think if a solid link can be established between emotions/beliefs and miscarriage, then this would indicate that indeed the unborn child is a highly sensitive and feeling soul.

That’s all from me for now. Feel free to go on over and check out the site, and share it with anyone you think could benefit or assist in my research.



Choices and Decisions Leading to Moral Degradation

I spend fairly regular moments or chunks of time in intellectual self-reflection. In re-visiting memories in an attempt to gain further clarity about my life, I generally tread the by now familiar and well-worn pathways of a relatively limited set; limited in comparison to what must comprise a vast jungle of feelings, images and full memories connected to my every experience – 32 years’ worth, no less! It so often feels like one of those really annoying jigsaw puzzles you buy second hand, missing corners and edges in abundance. I guess the real difference is that no matter how many couches are upturned, or vacuum cleaner bags are emptied, the jigsaw puzzle piece is gone forever – it was never yours to begin with. In the case of memories, I have heard that the soul in fact contains all of our memories, every last one of them is still there, but the reason I can’t access many of them is because I do not want to feel the feelings that are connected to them.

I have enough memories in certain areas of my life to see distinct patterns in my own behaviour which have emerged over time. I would like to talk about what I am discovering about myself through some of these past behaviours, and how this relates to moral degradation over time through poor choices and decisions.

I recently listened to a channeling conducted by AJ Miller and Anto Klobucar. AJ chats with a teenage girl, Jess, who died at 16 years of age, about 5 years prior to the recording. She had proceeded to spend the years since her passing hanging around the earth, basically going from party to party, attempting to experience drugs, alcohol and sex, through people still living on earth*. Jess attempts to explain how she felt compelled, over and over, to seek out ‘pleasurable’ experiences, and how over time she felt driven to influence people to engage in more and more intense and unloving behaviours, in order to feel the same level of ‘pleasure’. AJ beautifully helps her to see that while she continues to deny and avoid the existence of the painful and hurt feelings inside her heart, she will continue to feel compelled to seek out these experiences. And while she engages actions which cause harm to other people and herself, true pleasure and true joy will forever elude her, and in fact her unhappiness will grow.

(You can listen to the audio of this channeling here, or watch the video here. It’s a really interesting example of how addictions cause unhappiness and moral degradation and I would recommend it.)

Even though Jess is a spirit, and began this behaviour once she’d passed, I can see so many parallels with my own life.


At 13 – 14 I was pretty shy and unsure of myself, and very awkward around boys. I had, and still have, some very large ‘holes’** in my soul, as a result of pain created in me that I at first was not allowed to feel as a child, and then later chose not to feel.  Instead I chose to seek experiences which helped me to avoid the existence of the pain altogether. Although shy, awkward, and totally weird around boys I desperately wanted their attention to make me feel good about myself. I would spend hours obsessing over a boy; did he look at me, for how many seconds, did he walk past me in the hallway today etc.  At 14, I attracted a boy who wanted to engage with me, albeit on his terms a ‘secret’ relationship, and when the question of the ‘first kiss’ arose it took me three hours of sweaty palms, panic, avoidance and terror to let it happen.

It wasn’t so bad. In fact it felt quite good.

It wasn’t long before I was sneaking over to his house regularly, and closing the bedroom door behind us. This was the only place we engaged; at school I had to pretend I didn’t know him. But it didn’t matter to me, because what we had was special. The feeling I got when I was with him was worth the decision to compromise on what felt good and right.

Every time you want to avoid pain, you create an addiction. Every time you create an addiction, it becomes a compulsion. Every time you have a compulsion, you’re going to be drawn to satisfy the compulsion – AJ Miller

With my first long term boyfriend, a few years later, I found a great degree of ‘performance’ entered the bedroom. “If I try that, he’ll really love me”, or, “if I do it this way, he won’t forget about me”. Sex had become a tool of manipulation. As the years wore on, I found myself believing it to be okay, and even a cool thing to have sex with someone I didn’t even know. I found myself in sexual situations that just a few short years before I would never have even dreamed of – which I would often come away from feeling terrible about on some level – and yet this still felt cool to me; it felt worldly. I had become so desensitized to the girl who at 14 felt petrified of kissing a boy, or the even younger child who just wanted to be loved.

My addiction in this case was not the physical act of intimacy, or sex, as I currently understand it. My addiction was/is to feelings I would get whilst I had the attention and interest of a man, and sexual activity was just a bartering system I used in order to get that feeling. Pursuing this ‘feel good’ feeling – at the expense of just getting real about what was really going on inside of me – led me to take more and more unloving actions; not only harming myself, but involving and harming others along the way. (By the way, I don’t feel that exploring sexually from a young age is wrong, it’s just that I’ve since learnt that sexual intimacy was made to be between two partners who actually desire to love each other, quite a foreign concept to me!***)

Every time you decide to try to substitute a feeling, it’s never going to work out well. No matter how much you try to substitute a feeling, the underlying feeling still remains – AJ Miller



It’s a similar pattern in my experimentation with alcohol and drugs. Somehow I went from a 16 year old sneaking a sip of port with a girlfriend and singing under the moon, to finding myself a few years later in a moment in time whereby I couldn’t name all of the substances currently in my bloodstream, and I was having trouble remembering who I was and how I got there. As with the previous example, I had made hundreds upon hundreds of choices over the course of some years, choices which led me down the path of moral degradation – that is, to a place where I no longer could see that I what I was doing was morally wrong, each decision only seemingly slightly worse than the last. If someone had offered me a smorgasbord of different drugs when I had only just started drinking alcohol, I would have said “no way! I would never do that!” But I have found that that’s not how it tends to happen. In my experience, each choice I made to have another opportunity to seek out ‘pleasurable’ feelings was only a small step away from the last, gradually walking a pathway to more and more pain.

I loved the feeling of escape and freedom I got when I used alcohol but mostly drugs. Everything in my life felt okay, for that short period of time. Every time I chose to chase this feeling, I was choosing to avoid connection to myself, and to what was really going on inside. Every time I chose to seek the false high, I harmed myself, and often those around me. Because of this perpetual harm I was doing, I was actually creating more pain and suffering in my soul, it was getting harder and harder to feel good, the “come-downs” were getting more and more painful, and I had to engage more extreme behaviour to have any good feelings at all. It’s a terribly vicious and downward spiral.

Most people who are being compelled by addiction don’t want to see what they are doing to their body, they don’t want to see what they are creating in their life, and they don’t want to see the pain they are creating in other people.

At each choice you can stop and go “hang on, this is a really critical choice for me, if I make the next choice where am I going to go?” And you can choose not to go there; you can say “okay, I’m going to make a different choice now” – AJ Miller

DSC02633I’m only really just making some intellectual connections and deconstruction of the way in which I have chosen to use my will over the course of my life. I can see that I was a ship, headed full speed for the iceberg. But to be honest, if anything I’ve only applied the brakes sightly. There are some obvious patterns in my life that have changed, and yet I am still resisting feeling a lot of pain and fear – the original feelings I was trying to get away from all those years ago are still around – and so my emotional and physical addictions – my personal avoidance strategies, if you will – have just morphed into different forms (many of which were also present years ago, I just wasn’t aware), e.g. food, TV series’, judgement, approval-seeking behaviour, control, commiseration, physical appearance issues, self-attack, pulling down of others… the list goes on. Honestly, I’m scratching the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding my addictions and how I choose to let them control and corrupt my life instead of allowing whats underneath them to surface. It’s going to take a lot of sincere desire to turn this ship around; desire to be real, to feel the pain underneath all of my façade and falsity, and also now to really feel how I have harmed others and myself in this pursuit of ‘pleasure’.

True joy can only come to you once you’ve let go of the sorrow and fears that are inside of you. And the only way to let them go – the way that God designed the soul – the only way to let them go once they’re in you, is to experience them – AJ Miller

I love the way Mary Luck/Magdalene describes how we create addictions:

God, in His beautiful loving wisdom, is bringing us events all the time to help us see what is inside of us, but because we want to stay in denial we go “How can I avoid this? How can I get a feeling that’s not scary or sad, but a happy one? I’ll create an addiction. I’ll create some relationship with people or my environment that will help me avoid this strange stirring up thing that’s happening as I walk through my life” – Mary, ‘The Human Soul – Denial and Addiction’

In my mind, I can logically see that letting go of addictions and feeling through my false beliefs that tend to keep me stuck would lead to a happier life and the potential for an awesome relationship with God, my Soulmate, and other people. Currently, however, I still want many of my emotional and physical addictions to get met so I don’t have to feel the uncomfortable, painful feelings that are inside me; whether I choose to acknowledge them or not. I still often lack faith that my life will indeed continue to get better if I surrender this pursuit of immediate and shallow gratifications, and instead turn my heart and soul towards love, and knowing God’s Way. For my moral compass has for so long been wrong, the needle shaky; guiding my feet further down the path of fear and denial.

Moment by moment we have the opportunity to choose differently; to turn the ship around. The enormity of this still eludes me, but something inside me feels it to be true. As Mary Luck says:

“In my experience becoming more loving is not a single choice but it is a lot of choices that we make every single day. Over time they don’t feel like individual choices anymore because our will is strong and we don’t even consider that we might not take the humble path. But in reality the use of our will is a moment by moment exercise. We make a gazillion choices and decisions every single day – on a soul level – and our outward actions and emotions reflect these soul based choices” – Mary Luck


God, help me grow the desire and courage to reset my compass to love, true love; and be kind to myself as I re-trace my steps and tidy up the mess I have left along the way.

Teach me about morals and ethics; help me strive to be good and value integrity.

Help me to learn patience and tenderness, so I may be patient and tender with myself as I uncover those things within that I have shamed and judged.

I know that my emotional addictions are the biggest thing standing in the way of progress towards true happiness, love and God. I think many people are potentially in the same boat. If you would like more info about addictions and how to discover and process them, here are some links from Divine Truth teachings, but there are many, many resources available about the topics from other sources:

Introduction to Addictions

Challenging Addictions

The Human Soul – Expectations and Addictions


*From what I have heard, many people who die continue to live their life engaging with the earth after they pass, attempting to influence people and get desires satisfied that are often quite harmful to themselves and those they influence. This is instead of completing the transition to their new home/location in the spirit world. This is a whole topic in and of itself, which I don’t fully understand, but which you can find out more about here, on the DT YouTube playlist about spirits.

** I use the word ‘hole’ as I have heard it used by the Teachings of Divine Truth to describe the effect of having emotional damage inside of ourselves/our soul. It’s not actually a hole, I don’t think, but more of an energetic opening. I have heard that the way to heal these holes which cause unhappiness is through emotionally experiencing what actually caused the damage in the first place, not by patching it up with short-term quick fix feelings.

***You can find out heaps more about Soulmates if you click onto the Divine Truth YouTube channel and type ‘soulmates’ here


My experience of miscarriage and what I am learning about love

I would like to write about a topic that I understand is quite controversial for a number of reasons. But never the less it is a topic close to my heart and one I feel deserves attention and examination. It’s about children dying, and in particular through miscarriage and abortion. I just want to acknowledge that I don’t feel I am passing any judgement in what I share, as I have personally experienced a miscarriage, so I am coming from this side of the issue.

From what I have seen in the media, read in books/articles, and observe through my own experience, children appear to be among, if not the worst treated group of individuals currently on the planet. Children around the world suffer every moment at the hands of people who have the ability to choose differently, to choose to love instead of acting from fear. When those of us in Western society think about the suffering of children, perhaps images of starving African babies sucking hopelessly at empty breasts comes to mind, or memories of videos shared on social media of broken little bodies; of families fleeing war-torn chaos clinging to limp bundles.

children-1217246_1920Of course, this is suffering. This is extreme suffering that children are living day in and day out, beyond many of our worst nightmares. Society generally agrees that it is not loving, nor justifiable, that children be subjected to such conditions (although the evidence around us would suggest that knowledge of these conditions in most cases does not incite within us a sincere desire to change and challenge our own beliefs and actions that contribute to this current terrible state of affairs).

Then, bringing the issue closer to home for us, there is the use of emotional abuse, and often physical violence (yes, I mean smacking!), used within the family home to control and manipulate a child into conforming to what is acceptable behaviour within that family. I have heard that this basically causes the systematic destruction of the real nature of the child, in favour of forcing it to fit a mould that does not confront nor challenge parents and society at large. Often, the damage that is done to children in this way is viewed as part of the construct of a ‘normal childhood’; society doesn’t see there is a problem. But while parents and other adults remain unwilling to confront and heal our own wounds from childhood, and awaken to the damage that we continue to perpetuate because of this, it would seem that the children in our care will continue to be burdened with emotional pain which then becomes their own. You can find a whole heap of valuable information about God’s Truth on parenting, from the Divine Truth teachings here, here and here.

And so I arrive at the subject I want to talk on, and about which I would love to see more truth exposed. As I mentioned earlier, most of us feel moved by the intense suffering we see children experiencing at the hands of war and famine. Many of us may even come to feel the truth that we indeed suffered at the hands of our family of origin in the process of growing up. But I believe that the numbers dwindle greatly in those of us who feel that the approximate 45 million children who are aborted, and the up to 100 million children who are miscarried – almost 150 million children every year – have suffered; despite this number accounting for the greatest portion of children who die annually because of decisions made that were not within their control.


Now, I can’t speak personally about abortion as it is not an experience I have had, but I have experienced a miscarriage. And to be honest, I have not fully healed the emotional reasons for this occurring, nor have I experienced the full process of repentance over the harm I have caused. However, whilst I am conscious there is more I need to learn on the subject personally, I feel that what I have come to realise, what I have been taught, and what I have experienced, could be useful to share.

In April 2013, I was not in a very good place emotionally. I was in a failing relationship; I was constantly enraged that I wasn’t getting “loved” (my version of what love should be, which is basically “just make me feel good about myself”; not real love), I was feeling justified in my angry demanding stance, and living in a desperate need to control everything in my environment to avoid the looming sense of terror at what a potential relationship breakdown was going to feel like. I was 27 years old, staring down the barrel of what had somehow become the great, dreaded, and terrifying ‘alone’. Inside of my soul I could feel (and still do) some very strong false beliefs about what it means to be a ‘good woman’, a ‘successful woman’, or a woman with any value, that have come down through my family’s inter-generational emotional condition.

A good woman has a family and has created a home. A successful woman has it together, is worldly, interesting, and “cool”. 

A valuable woman is a mother.

Anything less than this state felt like utter failure to me, and my internal feel-like-a-failure-button was being poked painfully, again and again.

So it was within this emotional environment that, through a process I do not understand, we desired a new soul into our lives. I knew I was pregnant early on; I could feel it. I didn’t tell my partner straight away, but already I could feel something going on inside of me emotionally – something scary and exciting. So when I got the positive test, I had already decided that this was going to be exactly what I needed in my life. I could feel my partner didn’t share my enthusiasm, but that didn’t matter to me – I wanted this baby. This baby had the potential to change everything for us, we could start fresh, find a new place to live, build a life together. I would finally feel like I had a role to play, like I had somewhere to fit in within our family structures, like I had something to give and a place to fill in the world. I wouldn’t be a no-one anymore, I’d be someone. I’d be a mother.

6a2e5df3bc086fe51bc6c4a8bc21875c.jpgIn the two weeks or so that I knew for certain there was a little person growing inside of me, I had intellectually re-created myself. I had effectively pulled a pretty rug over the smelly pile of pain inside my heart, given myself another reason not to go there. I had also strangely developed an unhealthy obsession with the possibility of miscarriage – something I barely even knew about prior to my pregnancy – and was determined that that would not happen to me. I was not going to lose this baby.

This baby had a job to do, a role to play; I could not afford to lose it.

And therein lay the problem.

Miscarriage is not arbitrary. It is not something unavoidable that happens to unlucky parents-to-be. As much as I believe society wishes it to be, miscarriage is not a medical anomaly, or something to be evaded through diet and lifestyle changes. Miscarriage, as I have experienced it, occurs as a direct result of the emotional environment in which a new, highly sensitive and receptive soul, finds itself after conception.

In our case, I believe our child passed as a direct result of the demands I placed on it to fix me, to fix my life, to give me a sense of worth, and from the fear-based environment both my partner and I had created and proceeded to project onto the child. The decision I made which caused my child – God’s child – to pass into the spirit world at the tender age of 4 or 5 weeks old, was to not feel my emotional pain and release it, and instead continue to demand, overtly and covertly, that others make it go away for me. The exact emotional cause I imagine varies between people who experience miscarriages, and is dependent on the different unresolved emotions we each carry inside us. It was not my awareness of the pregnancy alone which led me to project my pain and demands on the child – the feelings were already inside of me, already projecting out onto the world. I think this is how women can miscarry without even knowing they’re pregnant; it’s the feelings we already carry inside our hearts which cause harm.

I don’t know if I can accurately describe in words how it felt to realise I was having a miscarriage, and then tread water through the following minutes, hours, days and weeks. There was a jumble of shock, fear, and deep sadness, but also a lot of intense pain around having my fantasy dream life ripped away from me. Having a child had quickly become an addiction to help me avoid my fear, and in the gulf that followed her passing, I had no other addictions, no substitutions that I could turn to that were powerful enough to adequately numb my fear which had been there all along . I had moments of touching what I can only describe as a black hole of terror, which in hindsight is probably where I needed to let myself go in order to allow true healing and release of my emotional pain which caused the miscarriage, and much of my unhappiness.

Interestingly, I discovered that the fears that came up so intensely for me during and after the miscarriage were the same fears I was trying so hard to suppress prior to and during my pregnancy – I was afraid to feel how much of a complete and utter failure I felt as a woman. The miscarriage brought these emotions into high-definition focus.


I still have heaps of grief to feel around this issue, and I haven’t yet even fully grieved the loss of this child because it feels to me to be so closely linked to my feelings of low self-worth, and I’m pretty resistive to going there! I still spend most of my time acting in ways which help to keep me away from those feelings, even though I have been taught that real, long-lasting healing comes through experiencing all of our emotions in a sincere way. As Mary Luck expresses:

‘Our emotions truly begin to change and shift in the moment we fully surrender to them. I don’t need to make sense of them. If I trust the process and long to God for Truth and Love as I go through them, my emotions guide me to a place of more understanding and freedom.’

Something else I really want to add is that from what I have heard, and through some of my own discoveries, there exists a spirit world, where all who pass from the earth live, including children who, from the moment of conception, are souls with individual and unique personalities and natures. I have heard that all miscarried and aborted children are assigned to special nurses and carers in the spirit world who nurture them through the difficult feelings they have as a result of their early passing (you can hear more about this in these interviews with AJ Miller about abortion and miscarriage; part 1 and part 2). I think it’s really beyond words that God is so good as to allow for this, and yet this does not mean that those of us who make direct choices – or force another to make choices – that lead to another person’s death do not shoulder the responsibility – we do. But I think what I am realising at least with my head if not yet with my heart, through the help of the Divine Truth teachings, is that God wants to lovingly help us through the process of becoming fully responsible human beings – responsible for our emotions and the choices and decisions we make as a result, not through punishment and judgement, but through love, compassion and kindness*.

Some time ago when I opened up a little to the pain around my miscarriage again, I felt a strong desire to know how my child is. I lay on my bed with my eyes shut, and had the experience of being led by a loving and kind person, perhaps one such spirit nurse or a guide, down a pathway of sorts. I felt nervous and afraid.dirt-road-1851241_1920.jpg

We arrived at an archway, through which was pouring such intense light I felt blinded, and I felt I could not enter. The feeling I had was that my child, by then almost 3, was through that archway, and they were happy – it was only I myself who stopped me from entering. This was overwhelming for me, there was just such love and kindness – more than I felt I could handle. How I interpreted this experience is that it showed me what a loving gift God has given us to be able to have a relationship with our children, dependent on our will to love, even while we live in different locations within the universe**. I have no doubt, though, that my child suffered pain as a result of her early death, the pain of not feeling loved, and of not experiencing life on earth the way God intended, and for this I must come to desire to take all due responsibility.

Of course, the best possible outcome would be that we no longer chose to abort our children because we are afraid, and that we all heal our emotional injuries that would lead to the miscarriage of a child. I have a feeling that would be the most loving thing we could choose to do for our unborn children.

Imagine if there were more loving systems in place to assist parents who are considering abortion, or who are at risk of miscarriage, to create a better outcome for their child – places where we could work together, as one human family, to care for God’s children however that may look.

I really do feel that if people knew the truth about children as truly unique souls, and the effect our emotions have on them from the moment of conception, it may change how we make decisions, and how we choose to view events. This comes with no judgment, I don’t believe, as I am someone who has been involved in a child’s early passing, and have felt some of the pain associated with such an event.

I still have much work to do, but hearing truth about these issues has helped me.


*I still dump a lot of my unresolved feelings about my parents onto God, and so am yet to fully feel what it is like to embrace and trust in these qualities of God.

**I do not yet have a relationship with my child as far as I am aware. I still have unresolved feelings and beliefs about myself and the spirit world which I think might prevent this. But I think wow, what a seriously cool opportunity! (For some more info on the sleep state from the Divine Truth teachings click here).


Jesus and Mary have provided an abundance of information about abortion, miscarriage, the spirit world, and emotional processing which you can find on their website:

and here are some specific links to information about the above issues:

Jesus and Mary on Parenting Children God’s Way: S1P1, S1P2, S2P1 and S2P2

FAQ session with Jesus and Mary about coming to understand and process through our current emotions and feelings: Emotions and Feelings FAQ

Interview with Jesus/AJ Miller about abortion and miscarriage: Part 1 and Part 2


Short clips about abortion, miscarriage and associated issues:

Jesus on Attraction, Incarnation and Abortion

Jesus on Miscarriage and Abortion

Jesus on Aborted and Miscarried Souls and Their Soulmates

Jesus on Abortion, Repentance and Mercy


Missing Opportunities to Love and Serve

I watched the movie “Lion” for the second time tonight. The first time I saw it at the cinema, I cried for near on the whole movie. I was still hunched over, bawling, as the lights turned up, and a fellow cinema-goer felt compelled to make sure I was okay.

It wasn’t so much the theme of lost family and the pain associated with attempting re-connection, although that touched something deep within as there is a history of adoption in my family. But what affected my heart was the plight of so many children who are lost, unloved, alone, abandoned, hungry and vulnerable to harm. I have seen these children, walked among them, and fended off their pleading hands. The thing that hit, and hurt, my heart the most is coming to recognize the missed opportunities I have had to love.


In 2009 I lived in Calucutta (Kolkata), India, for the best part of a year. The scenes from the film were familiar to me. The city became a home of sorts, in a crazy, dirty, love-hate kind of way. You see, I was a nurse, newly qualified, and I wanted to live my life travelling to developing countries, working among the poorest and most in need. I wanted to serve, or so I thought.

Every day I traversed long distances along crowded streets, on subway trains and buses, stepped over rancid rubbish and human waste, dodged filthy water let loose from open windows above, and navigated curious and often uncomfortable attention from onlookers, as I made my way to work.

I implemented vaccination programs, I assisted in the treatment of tuberculosis and AIDS patients, and tended to patients with open, festering and gangrenous wounds. I was never, ever alone. The city was constantly and relentlessly alive, and thrummed with the population of roughly our entire country here in Australia. Humanity was everywhere, every one of my senses was saturated in some way with the life of another. And yet something was missing. 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASomething was wrong inside me; I could feel it and yet I did not know what it was.

I was doing what I wanted to do, I had “arrived”, so to speak, so why did I feel so unsatisfied, tired, even resentful towards the people I was serving? Why was I feeling more and more angry?

I realised, years later, that I wasn’t really serving. Because what I have been taught about true service is that it is a gift; it wants for nothing in return, only to love others.



“It is difficult to purify one’s desire to serve if the servant at first resists seeing the darkness within their own heart”

– Spirit friends, channeling received by Mary Luck

I see now that I was undertaking “good works” in order to gain feelings of validation and worth from what I was doing. I wanted to feel good by being useful, valuable, feel knowledgeable, interesting, worldly, and like someone people would approve of. All in an attempt to avoid the pain that really, inside, I didn’t feel any of those things.

“If your intention to help others is because you need something from them, it is not a state of love”

– AJ Miller

What I  am coming to learn about myself now, is that while I am only seeking to get these feelings from others, my heart is closed to the reception of truth and love, and closed to connection. I walked among people who suffer moment by moment and my heart was closed. I looked into the eyes of people who know pain, and who live and breath hardship I cannot imagine, and I could not sincerely offer love nor true friendship in a way that was consistent and wanted nothing in return. I thought that doing such work would bring satisfaction and joy to my life, but any satisfaction was fleeting and coloured by undercurrents of these other feelings. I have heard that the motivation must be love for any action to have a positive and long-lasting outcome, and my ability to love – truly love, and not attempt to engage in co-dependence and emotional barter – is what was and is lacking. A closed heart feels like a solid hard structure that exists at the interface of human connection … how is relationship possible from this place?


I would like to believe that there was some sincere and true motivation in my desire to help others in need. I’m not sure. I know that I continue to be drawn to roles of service, and the work ahead of me is in developing and purifying my desire to love. I also know that I haven’t healed my heart and released the pain which causes me to seek external validation. But something cool and encouraging I read about being of service is this:

How can you serve your brother if you yell at your child?
– How can you teach the sexually promiscuous to heal if you still judge
sexual promiscuity yourself?
– How can you encourage another to grieve the discretion against a partner
if you yourself are still full of rage towards partners current or previous?

Instead of trying to heal all of this before you begin, be ready instead, with a humble
heart, to cry with each of them and heal as you serve. What a gift it is to share your
humility with another.

– Spirit friends, channeling received by Mary Luck

This would indicate that I don’t have to have fully healed everything inside of me in order to sincerely serve others. I just have to cultivate and grow my desire for personal humility; that is, the willingness to feel all of my feelings, all of the time, and not live in avoidance of them. I have heard that it is the avoidance of feeling our feelings that causes all the problems!

I feel much sorrow about the way I misused the opportunities God gave me through such an experience to learn about love, however I see that it was an opportunity in itself to see what doesn’t work, and learn from that. I now recognise that, while I’m shining a light on my experience in India as it presented me with such a stark view of human suffering and my personal choice to remain closed emotionally in the face of this, I am also learning that I have the choice – moment by moment – to use my will to love the people around me now, no matter where I am.

“To seek for purity in love, to seek to make every action one of love and honour for the magnificent creation before you, whomever that may be – including the one that peers back at you from the mirror!

This is what it is to truly serve.”

– Spirit friends, channelling received by Mary Luck

This seems to mean that service is not just about helping those who we deem to be in need or who are suffering. Perhaps it is an entire way of life; a decision made every moment to live as an example of one who seeks truth about all issues so as to better be able to express love and humility in the world. What a cool state that sounds like!

So when a movie such as “Lion” comes along, cracking my heart open with images of suffering so familiar to me, it presents me with yet another opportunity. It’s a reminder. It’s the voice that prompts me to keep going; seek the truth about why I currently resist love, grow my desire for personal change. For if I have love inside me then I have love to give. I can truly be of service.

And I can choose to not let this opportunity pass me by.